Badge, The – DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
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IMDB rating: 6.20 Plot: A sheriff (Thornton) begins an investigation into the death of a local transsexual after hearing that high ranking politicians may have been involved. Although he is homophobic, his investigation causes him to be rejected by others, forcing him to seek help from the people he once despised. |
Available versions:
DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
Actors: Thornton Billy Bob,Devane William,Brown Marcus Lyle,McKinnon Ray,Bower Tom,McConnell John,Flagge Ron,Alexander Huey,Krasnoff Mark,Leggio Jerry,Dial Rick,Arata Michael,Dahlgren David,Cahill Michael,St. John Marco,Crime,Drama,Mystery,Thriller,
CRITICISM NEEDED FOR THIS BIT OF WRITING?? HARD CRITICS WELCOME!?
I’m a fourteen-year-old writer, and I’ve decided that I want to improve my writing skills by (attempting) to write a book and possibly a few short stories. I’m posting a short sample of my writing to get feedback on how I’m doing so far, so please post and tell me what you think! However, please don’t let my age affect how you judge my writing like so many people do when I post things on Yahoo. I’m trying to IMPROVE my writing, and cute little comments like "Oh, for a teenager, it’s pretty good," or butter-up compliments like "Oh, this is SO good, you shouldn’t change a thing!" won’t help at all. I’m hoping that everyone who responds will tell me what they thought was good so far, what things I need to improve on with ideas on how to do so, any grammar issues they might find, and if they would read on if they could. Whoever gives me the most helpful information will get best answer, so get reading and thanks in advance!
First, here’s a little bit of background information. My main character lives in a fantasy city named Luna Nuova, a city that was originally built on a small island. But when the island and it’s city got too small to fit its population, the city started "spilling into the sea;" that is, construction continued off of the borders of the island by building the rest of the city on small, man-made islands. Luna Nuova ended up looking somewhat like Venice, Italy, because where the city stretches into the sea there are canals where roads would have been if it were on land.
My main character in this scene is cunning and very sly, yet somehow also compassionate and loveable. He’s one of many robbers in the city, and a very famous one at that. Two things seperate him from the rest of the criminals in Luna Nuova: one, he’s only fourteen. Two, he has a heart where other robbers have a greedy black hole.
Here goes:
There is no song sweeter than the moon’s lullyby. She dominates the crisp night sky now, the gleaming white moon, with her silver arms stretched over the city like a dove wrapping its wing around its young. Poised on the edge of one among many sleeping rooftops, I feel like I can reach out and touch her, let her take me soaring over Luna Nuova’s waters. I hear the crickets that I’m named after chirping out the moon’s song from below, as they have done every night since spring. I breath the salty air, feel the autumn breeze nip at my nose, see the weaving canals shimmer gold and silver, and I’m in my own heaven.
"Cricket," Finn’s voice shatters my thought. I look over my shoulder to see my ruddy best friends with his arms crossed across his chest, the familiar glint of mischeif in his eye. My pet raven, Tessie, is perched lazily on his shoulder, her feathers so black that they look blue in the moonlight. "are you coming, or not? If you keep standing here someone will see you."
I study Finn, who is trying too hard not to crack a smile. A teasing little smirk is starting to creep onto his slender lips, nonetheless. We’ve had this conversation so many times that it’s turned into a joke. "It doesn’t matter if someone sees me," I say, "It only matters if someone sees me and they’re fast enought to get me caught."
"That’a boy!" Finn grinns and musses my hair.
As I see it, any ordinary robber can rob a place if he isn’t seen, but it takes wits, careful planning, and quick feet to be seen and still get away with it anyway. Besides, where’s the heart-racing thrill of being an outlaw if I can’t get chased every once in a while? It’s putting a target on my back not to hide as much as some robbers will, but I don’t care much. I don’t mind having a price on my head, and I like danger.
"Even so, Crick," Finn suddenly swallows his laughter, "You might want to lay low on this mission. This isn’t any ordinary mansion, remember? This is the Warden’s place. I don’t want you getting yourself killed over this one."
I don’t think it’s possible to forget that this is, in fact, no ordinary mission. I nod at Finn, going over my plan over and over again in my head. There isn’t much of a plan because I had never seen the Warden’s mansion but the outside, which didn’t leave me with much information to work with. There’s three simple steps: Get in, map out the place, and get out. I have little hope that it will be as easy as it sounds. The Warden is the prison keeper of Luna Nuova, and a rich man at that. There are bound to be guards swarming the place. I can’t afford the risk of taking anything valuable, but no criminal has ever set foot inside before. A map of the mansion will be worth hundreds in itself.
I reach for the mask dangling on a ribbon around my neck. It is only a simple white half mask, but it suits its purpose better than nothing. I tie it on.
Finn knows his cue. He takes the blood-red scarf hanging loosely around his neck and swings it over his head, handing it to me. The red scarf is my signature, my iniform, my badge of honor. When I wear
Tips:
1. Describe the place they are about to rob
2. Tessie, seriously?
3. I hate fragments so fix them!
4. It sounds like a girl is Cricket at first, but then I saw so you might want to make it more believeable that Cricket is a boy
5. Indent
Thx for telling us not to write you shouldn’t change a thing, but I wasn’t going to put that anyway!
LuckyLeven and Lem | Nov 21, 2009
Thats really good. Your opening paragraph is great!
There is a part where its describing the crickets ’since spring’ indicating that the season is spring or summer but you go on to say ‘the autumn breeze’. That doesnt balance out, so you gotta be careful of small details like that.
You might also consider toning down the adverds/adjectives. For example ‘He takes the blood-red scarf hanging loosely around his neck…’ the word ‘loosely’ is the adjective, consider how the sentence would sound without it.
You can describe things with adjectives and adverbs however you can be more interesting and describe them in analogies or in unique ways. These will lift your writing to a whole new level.
The Reverend Mackinnon | Nov 21, 2009
For one, I wouldn’t use the word "robber" I prefer the word "thief". Also, name-wise, I don’t like any of the names at all, but that doesn’t mean i don’t like the people. I’d also advise against using a blood-red scarf because an enemy of his could choke him with that, even if it is his signature. maybe use a blood-red scarf, not around the neck, but maybe use it as something to cover the bottom half of his face, if the mask only covers the upper half of his face. (I’m not sure if it covers the top half or the left half or the right half).
Criticizing done, where is the rest of this story? I really want to read it. It’s a whole ton better that all of that Twilight hype. Seriously. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!!! (or stalk teenage girls and creep into their bedroom and watch them sleep.) and yet I’m supposed to believe that Bella and Edward fall in love….
myclockworkheart | Nov 21, 2009
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